The post is developed in partnership with BetterHelp.
Parents commonly believe that ending their marriage will hurt their children. But is this always the case? Not necessarily.
In the short term, it’s true that divorce can act as a major disruption for a child’s wellbeing. It can fracture their sense of love and make them feel untethered from the reality they knew.
In the long term, however, it’s quite possible that divorce may be the healthier option for everyone involved. After all, a tense and toxic environment for years and years is much more unhealthy than a divorce that eventually leads to greater stability.
While children are often adversely affected by divorce, it isn’t guaranteed by any means. There are silver linings as well, like the fact that many children whose parents divorce become more resilient and adaptable, two fundamental traits for adulthood.
If you are asking yourself whether or not divorce is the right move for you, but you’re worried about your children, read on to learn more. Keep in mind, however, that you may need the help of a licensed professional such as a couple’s counselor. This article should help, however, just like other useful online marital resources, such as those available from BetterHelp: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/marriage/
Reasons Why Couples Think It’s Better To Stay Together for the Kids
So, let’s start with reasons why couples generally think it’s better for their kid or kids if they stay together.
Stability
It’s true that divorce always creates a rupture. It’s a literal division of the couple. This can be difficult on children who, depending on their age and maturity level, may not really understand or accept what is happening.
Couples who stay together may think they are providing a more stable environment for their child or children, and this might be true so long as they can actually follow through and provide a healthy environment.
Parenting Responsibilities
Parenting is tough. Staying together and living in the same household will generally make the sharing of parental responsibilities simpler and less complicated.
Parents considering divorce may also worry about how things will work out in terms of which parent will have more custody, how that will work, etc. It’s a genuine concern but one that can generally be worked out with proper mediation.
Misconceptions
There are many misconceptions when it comes to divorce and the effects on children, and perhaps the biggest one is that it is always damaging to children. While it will likely be difficult in the short term, divorce may be the better option for everyone in the long term.
It makes absolutely no sense to subject a child to a tense, toxic atmosphere. After all, how could that be healthier than separating and creating a more stable environment through—perhaps counterintuitively—divorce.
Finances
When you get married, finances often merge. Divorce then threatens to complicate all that. Just as with parenting responsibilities, one or both of you may have financial concerns in the event of a divorce. This can be especially true if one of you does not work or if you are not sure how you could afford to live separately.
This is a legitimate concern, and you may need some advising in order to figure it out.
What’s the Best Move?
Ultimately, it’s impossible for one person to dictate what is the best move for you. It needs to be the product of the two of you working together and deciding what is best not only for you but also for your children.
Here are some things you might want to consider when you’re contemplating divorce and wondering about how it may affect your children.
Your Marriage is an Example
Whether you realize it or not, children are constantly learning. We are, following Aristotle, the “imitative animal.” Kids will thus model the behavior of their parents. Without realizing it, we may turn into the same kind of parents and have the same kind of marriage that our parents had.
So, think about the example you want to set. Do you want your child to grow up in a toxic and unloving environment? Or do you want them to have a stabler and healthier atmosphere?
As they grow older, they may well come to appreciate the maturity required for you to go your separate ways in the best interest of everyone.
Abuse
If abuse is ever present, then there should be no question. For the sake of your children, divorce is the best option. Abuse is never okay, and it is a completely unsafe and unhealthy environment for children. They should be kept away from the abuser, and help should be sought immediately.
If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat.
Can You Make It Work?
The big question is this: can you make it work? Can you put aside your differences and come together again? If you can make it work in short term and long term, then it might be okay to take divorce off the table.
You really must be sure, however, that you both actively work on repairing your marriage. After all, a healthy relationship requires love, communication, commitment, trust, and, especially when you have kids, the sharing of responsibilities.
Couple’s Counseling
If you do want to try to make things work, or if you just want another opinion on the state of your relationship, couple’s counseling (or “marriage counseling”) is your best bet.
For couple’s counseling to work, however, both partners need to be engaged. Both partners must accept that they need help and that the counseling is an option that may help them take the best course of action. If one of you has significant doubts, it is very likely to lead to further disputes and a total lack of progress.
Help is out there, but it must be met with an openness and a desire for substantive change.
Conclusion
Divorce can be messy and incredibly difficult, even without children. Add kids to the mix, and it can be tough to decide what’s best.
Ultimately, you’ll have to think long and hard about what will be best for everyone in the long term. Divorce isn’t necessarily the better choice for your children. What matters most is that they have a healthy, stable environment over the long term.
When done appropriately, with the help of a couple’s counselor and a mediator for example, divorce can just be a small blip in an otherwise healthy and happy childhood and adolescence. That said, it takes maturity and responsibility to ensure that the best course of action is taken.
Also Read: Intimacy Issues? Here’s How To Fix Them
